How to explain your divorce to your child? What should you say and what shouldn’t you? Those are important questions every parent going through a divorce grapples with. To help answer these complicated and important questions, The Law Offices of Lauren Grondski interviewed several South Florida industry experts such as marriage therapists.
Genesis Games, LMHC - bilingual Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the state of Florida and currently practice at Healing Connections
“You should not blame the other parent for the divorce or bash them. You should not insinuate that the parent leaving the home or requesting the divorce will abandon the child. You should not give details as to why you are divorcing. Children should not be involved in the divorce process or made aware of stressors brought on by the divorce.”
“You should both together give the news in an amicable and neutral manner. You should reassure the child that this is not their fault and that there is nothing they did that caused the divorce. You should verbally express your continuous love for them. You should give them permission and provide a safe space for them to express their emotions and ask questions. You should provide them with information regarding their ‘new normal.’ Let them know, if they will be moving, who will be dropping them off and picking them up from school, and when will they see the other parent, etc.”
“You should not break the news on a school night, right before a soccer game, a birthday or a holiday. Imagine your 10 and your parents drop on you that your life will be flipped upside down before a big soccer game or the night before your birthday. You might hate soccer and your birthday moving forward because you will associate two things you once looked forward to with a series of uncomfortable emotions. Disclose the information together, as a noted front, preferably on a Friday afternoon, so that the child has the entire weekend to process the initial shock. Schedule one-on-one time with each child and allow them to ask questions and express their feelings about the divorce. Be around and available to them, and patient with their reactions. The way you deliver the news, in my professional experience, sets the tone for how your children will remember and perceive the divorce process and the aftermath. Be thoughtful and be a untied front with the other parent.”
Dr. Liliana Wolf - a Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist in Coral Gables, FL
“Research shows that children of divorce are provided with inadequate support, communication, and notice of their parents' divorce.”
“Taking the right approach to letting them know about the divorce is the first step that parents must take. Children thrive on stability, which occurs when they know what to expect.”
“There is no one-size-fits-all strategy to letting children know about their parents' divorce.
● When choosing an approach, parents would be wise to consider the child's temperament and developmental stage.
● One thing is for sure; parents should commit to talking to their children together. A united front shows children what the parent-child relationship will be like after the divorce. This is a good way to set the tone about stabilizing your family from the outset.
● Have a plan. This is the when, what, where and how. (not on a school day, please!). If you have more than one child, you may want to plan to address them separately or jointly based on their respective developmental stage.
● Listen to their concerns
● Offer support
● Talking to your child will help them know what to expect in a time of uncertainty. And it will also let them know what remains the same: Your love for them and the integrity of the family across both homes.”
Elsa Hines, a marriage and family therapist in Miami and South Florida
“My number one recommendation for ‘should’ in terms of communicating with children about divorce is: ask them questions–for example, ‘what do you think it means for mom and dad to get a divorce?’ Their answers become an opportunity for parents to gain insight and gauge their level of understanding. Additionally, it gives the kids a voice and the open-ended nature of the questions allows them to communicate what's most important to them, their anxieties and fears.”
“In terms of what one shouldn't say, I work with parents on becoming very aware of not placing any adult’ responsibilities on the children as a result of the divorce. For example, telling a little boy that they are now the head of the home and they have to care for mom. Essentially, it's important for the adults to assume the responsibility of the divorce and for the kids to be granted the right to remain innocent.”
“Anxiety is contagious, which makes it difficult to keep secrets from kids. Children are keen observers and they're always noticing what's going on around them, even when you think they're not! Therefore, the sooner the better...By addressing the divorce with them, in an age appropriate way, you allow them to put the situation in context and to start processing the changes that will be taking place for everyone in the family.”
Going through a divorce in Florida? Contact the award-winning Law Offices of Lauren Grondski, P.A. for a consultation at (305) 914-5688.